I have a hard time believing that I’m awesome. I know inherently that we’re all awesome in our own way, but I can’t always convince myself of my own awesomeness in contrast to how easily I believe in other’s. Other people exist in a different category for me. I don’t place the same kind of expectations as I do myself. For me to be awesome, I have to be perfect. And for me to be perfect, I can never make a mistake. I must always be at the top of my game. I must know how to perform at everything even if I’ve never tried it before. I MUST BE PERFECT. Because AWESOME = PERFECT to me.
I know this isn’t actually true, but it’s really all I’ve known throughout life. Being perfect (or trying to be perfect) is who I am. And strangely, although I feel the least perfect of all time right now, more people than ever insist on my awesomeness. Even people I’ve never met tell me over the Internet! What craziness! How can they say I’m awesome when they don’t really know me? If they knew what I was really like they wouldn’t think so highly of me. This toxic thinking invades my brain whenever I receive a positive comment from someone. I tear down and annihilate anything that has the potential to build me up.
But I am awesome. Deep down I know it. Maybe it’s just whatever bit of persistent ego I have left that insists upon it. So even though I tear myself down, I also secretly tell myself how amazing I am. I think it’s a humbleness issue. It’s not a humble thing for me to believe in my own awesomeness. I have to keep that belief buried and only bring it out when I’m totally alone and can’t feel guilty for it. I don’t get these secret trysts with my awesomeness very often, but when I do I try to cherish them.
And I don’t think I’m the only person to share these secret moments with my self-esteem. I think many of us—especially young Millennials like myself—have a hard time accepting their awesomeness. Our society demands that we act like we believe in it, even when our declarations seem impossible. We all feel inadequate in comparison to our peers who pronounce their confidence and amazingness to the world without realizing that everyone’s assertions are just as steeped in self-doubt as their own. It’s a mess.
But for now, I’d like to make the declaration that YOU are awesome. I don’t even know you and I can say that because I believe we all have something awesome about us. Finding it really just relies on believing in yourself.