My life is pretty stable right now. I have a lot going on, but I know what and when all those things are happening and how to deal with them. But I feel bubbling under the surface all the things that are probably going to happen. I’ve been working off and on over the last few months to make major changes in my life (job, city, living situation, finances, etc.) but with little to show for it. I feel though, like most things in my life, it’s all going to come to a head at the same time.
So I’m feeling especially unnerved as I try to make plans. For example, I decided to take on the challenge of VEDA (Vlog Every Day in August) for the first time. I love vlogging, but I do it in big waves or cycles where I film a bunch of videos at one time when I’m free, and then edit them periodically over time as I need to release them. But to film and edit a video in one day every day has seemed extremely daunting to me because I work a full-time job that sucks away the majority of my daytime hours. I’m excited about this new challenge and made the decision to try it because August seemed relatively less booked than the last few months have been, but I have this underlying uneasiness that things are going to blow up in my face soon.
Not that change will be bad. That’s what I’ve been working towards. But change never can come at the “appropriate” time. Because life doesn’t take a break like it does it in school and college where you have definite beginnings and endings to chapters. You can say, “I need a job by this date” and “I’ll have to leave on this date because the semester ends and I have to go home” and no one can blame you. Adult life isn’t so easy. Everything has varying timelines and responsibilities so I feel like I’m always at risk for disappointing someone or screwing up my life royally.
I just want a nice guidebook that says “Go here!” and “Do this on this day!” Wouldn’t that be nice?
But at the same time, all of these uneasy feelings are coming from anticipation of change to come without actual concrete evidence of any change at all. Just whispers and suggestions and possibilities. What good does worrying about it now do? Probably nothing. But if I don’t worry about it now, won’t I be unprepared when or if the time comes? Perhaps, but what’s the likelihood that the scenarios I’m running in my head now will be useful later? Most people tell me to take things one step at a time. And I’m trying to do that, but I’m still not entirely sold on the idea that one step at a time is the right way to go.
However, one step at a time, is probably admittedly better for my health.
All in all, I’m still clinging on for dear life. And I just hope I can weather this next hurricane of change with grace and without drowning.